|July 2nd, 2009 | Issue 30 | The Political issue: Mr. Draper goes to washington.|
So I went to DC, and this picture explains it all: our government is way short on money because they're printing name-plates for every schmuck that comes and talks to Congress. Can you believe that? I thought getting my own name-plate would take getting in the car, driving to some dump like Office Depot, figuring out that they didn't know what they were doing before going to American Marking, giving them some money then waiting a couple days for my present to arrive. All I really had to do was testify before the House Ways and Means Committee.
Some other things I took from DC: official federal paper clips, 65 rolls of Congressional toilet paper, and Devin Nunes' dignity (sorry Nunes, but I left it on the corner of 15th and M).
It was fun ..... well, "fun" may not be the right word ...... it was interesting. Bruce Braley's gonna be the next big political thing out of Iowa and should be president or at least our governor, Grassley is still one of the best Senators in the country, even if I don't agree with him on everything and even if one member of his staff is a real a'hole, Tom Latham does a great job of sitting in a chair and looking like he's thinking, and Boswell is still finding time for DC in between auctioning gigs.
Other than that, our government is still operating ..... well, "operating" may not be the right word .... our government is still there.
DEMOCRACY IS PRETTY F'ING BORING, BUT YOUTUBE REALLY SPEEDS IT UP
You may be saying to yourself, "I'd hack someone to death with an axe to get to see Mike Draper's testimony before Congress, but do I have to? I mean, I just killed someone last week and I think the authorities are getting suspicious."
Put down that axe! My testimony is up on *YouTub." Not just that, but it's been viewed over 1,500 times -- take that "Rep Yarmuth On Health Reform" clip that's only been viewed 166 times!
And in case you get bored watching my testimony on repeat, Rep Stark's great staff has put up some of the highlights from the Q&A that followed when they realized what the rest of our national media has realized: sex sells. All of them make great bedtime stories for the kids, or you can burn them onto a DVD and pass them along as gifts for birthdays, holidays, or circumcisions.
BUT SERIOUSLY ....
I didn't go to DC for my health ... well, I guess I did in a really round-a-bout way ... I went to try and have some sort of impact on America's health care reform plan.
I designed our "Only The Insured Survive" in SMASH's-early-years stretch when I didn't have insurance and started to worry that I'd have to move to Canada to get some reasonably priced cough medicine.
The health system we have now operates like it was devised by a group of Ivy League graduates who worked for days on a really great health care system, got half-way done before they realized that Dave Mathews Band was playing a free show in New Jersey, and so they just let a group of Rhesus Monkeys finish the second half. And while it turns out that Rhesus Monkeys have some pretty killer benefits, for the small business owners and small business employees (who the Right Wing refers to as socialists and free-loaders) things aren't so hot.
Unlike a lot of this country's major corporations and various leaders looking for government appointments, SMASH actually pays its taxes. In exchange for following the rules, is it too much to ask to not be f'ed over on health care?
If you want your opinions heard on health care, here are the staffers to e-mail in each office:
Grassley (Kolan Davis email@example.com)
AND LOOK AT ALL THIS PRESS:
Though we may seem like laid back kids running a funny, counter-culture store, we are some serious media whores:
The Des Moines Register -- Sarcasm is Really Taking us Places
Radio Iowa -- The Toughest Part is the Outfit
Biz Journals -- mikeD Quoted on the Health Reform Bill
Ways and Means -- mikeD's Written Testimony
The Daily Kos -- mikeD's Testimony Highlighted by Liberal Flagship!
BusinessWeek.com -- Look for us in the August Print Issue (maybe)
THE LETTER THAT STARTED IT ALL:
though The Register didn't quite capture the pure comedy of this original version,
To the Editor,
Chuck Grassley says that a public option in health insurance is not an option for him because "the public option is an unfair competitor" with private industry?
I guess I'm confused, Chuck: I thought a government program would be cutting off the wrong limbs, using pliers for tooth removal, making people wait for days while they bleed in the lobby, and thus would be a total disaster. Now this bumbling government system would prove a threat to the mightily efficient, popular, and cost-effective private health care system?
As the owner of SMASH, a small business in Des Moines, why would I wish the horrors of socialized medicine on myself and my employees when I am so happy with private health care? That's like saying I'm going to send my kids to cesspools of socialized education like Roosevelt or Valley!
There's actually nothing to fear, Chuck. I couldn't be happier with America's current health care. From a business perspective, it makes perfect sense, and has so many great features. For instance, I love that full coverage is about 6%-25% of after gross pay, even for young and healthy 20-somethigs like the people here at SMASH (good thing we don't hire any 45 year olds!); I love that if we ever actually use the system our rates go up; I love that if we DON'T use the system our rates go up; I love that if you get contract a serious illness before you get insurance, the insurance you can get will exclude care for that illness; I love that they can make money off of people like me, and dump the actual sick people on Medicare (which company runs Medicare again?).
Most of all I love that America's health care executives are business people, concerned about what business people should be concerned about: their profit, their market-share, and avoiding government intervention.
So Chuck, I can see where you're coming from, but I wouldn't worry too much. With such a rock-solid health care industry, I can't see a single person switching to a government program, so it won't cost us anything.
Therefore, you have my blessing to support a government health care program. After all, you don't want any of those Pinko nuts thinking you're in the pocket for big health care or something!